Feb 24 2013
The Causes of #Perfection!
Perfection – A Prison of Our Own Creation
“He/she who needs to be right, is in a #prison of their own creation” – the rabbi
Last week’s post, titled “The #Curse of Perfection” (http://thewalkbook.com/the-curse-of-perfection/ ), was unexpectedly validated this past week by a close friend, herself being a self-professing #perfectionist and “#control freak.” After I shared with her the title of last week’s post and without further prompting or solicitation on my part, she freely acknowledged – “It is a curse.” After all, it’s one thing to be willing to pay an enormous price and to take a stand for something that’s true and GOD-honoring. It’s quite another thing to stand resolute for something that’s a lie and destructive, both personally and to others!
So what are the causes of this curse, a prison of one’s own #creation?
Perhaps a story, a story I believe a great number will personally relate to, even you, my esteemed and deeply appreciated friend, might be helpful in setting the foundation:
I grew up in a family made up of three siblings, with me being the eldest. For whatever reason(s), the middle-brother was viewed as the brightest, the one with the label “most likely to succeed,” a persona he gladly embraced. Our father “made no bones” about it either, publicly declaring when we were all together who his favorite was. Every time he did it – my heart broke just a little bit more. Our mother on the other hand, had her own premie`re e’toile the first star – the youngest. He was the one with the “heart of gold,” the do-gooder, the selfless one. Amidst all of this and over time, with any healthy sense of self-love and personal worth nowhere to be found, I decided to become perfect! I’m sharing this, not to bring attention to myself or to open old wounds, for I’ve gotten well past the events of yesteryear, but rather to set the stage for some of the causes of perfection.
First – a lack of #self-love. We so desperately need to know love, especially a healthy love of self. The absence of it manifests itself in any number of destructive ways. As an adult, the numerous times I would ask my father to lunch, knowing that I was the only one of his children doing so, looking for any opening to share with him just how well I was doing financially – maybe now he’d consider me at least an equal with “the most favored” in his eyes. I voraciously consumed his every commendable word. Was I perfect enough yet?
Next – a lack of #self-significance. I can’t think of any greater treasure, than to possess a clear and undisputed knowing of our unique #life-purpose. I essentially flushed my entire formal education down the drain, so that my need to stand out and be recognized, to be viewed as “the headliner” in someone’s eyes, might be assuaged. From wearing gold “Beatle Boots,” to showing up for a typing test (I’m aging myself here) with my hands all covered in bandages, feigning a serious injury, to playing my own versions of military marching tunes on the slide trombone, I needed to stand out, to be recognized, even if it was only “entertaining the troops.” I was the lead act! I commanded center- stage! Was I perfect enough yet? I falsely interpreted all the adulation, the attention as self-worth. All it did was to mitigate the pain for the moment!
Finally – a lack of experiencing the joy of being a member of a team, a body, inter-dependent on one another, but instead, possessing an attendant need for control, where only perfection is the accepted norm, with the resultant loss of joy and relationship. Sadly, this is where #religion and #faith oftentimes meet at a crossroad. The one path leads to a #legalistic and #judgmental “my way or the highway” (which is of course GOD’s way), and a “Am I perfect enough yet?” mindset, where the #GOD of #GRACE is nowhere to be found, other than on the bumper sticker of an automobile, a god made in the image of its driver. The other path leads to a freedom from all bondage, to #LOVE, acceptance, growth, and family, to the GOD of a joyful noise who accepts us just as we are! Sadly, as I recount in “#The Walk” (thewalkbook.com), I was at one time the former and it almost cost me everything I most value. Gladly, He saved me from myself, revealing that it’s not about perfection – it’s about #progress!
Can you see yourself in any of the above? Are you still in a self-made prison, in bondage to the perceived need to be perfect? Were you at one time but are now free? I’d love to get your thoughts and comments.
Kindly share this with whomever you feel might benefit from its message.
Coming next Sunday: “The #Cure From Perfection.”
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#KEEP WALKING!!!
Thank you for this ‘topic’ for your last two posts Alan. I have given this a lot of thought as this is certainly a subject that could bring about hours of discussion. Of course anything – which is just about everything – that is ‘subjective’ is worth discussing. After all, perfection is subjective. It is also as you noted, an illusion and something that is not attainable in our earthly lifetime.
One man’s perception of perfection is not anothers. Therefore if as you mentioned, one strives for perfection to please another then it is absolutely unattainable as the one we strive to ‘impress’ will never see it the same way. Quite often when one is striving for perfection to please another it is because that person is a skeptic and they themselves will never see perfection in anything. It is a losing battle.
Michael J. Fox once said, and I quote: “I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection. Excellence, I can reach for; perfection is God’s business.” I think that statement is very powerful!
If we strive for excellence, and for that excellence to be seen in the eyes of our Almighty, then that is as close to perfection as one can get. That is all God asks of us, that we strive to do our best, to be our best selves we can be.
Many who truly believe perfection can be achieved are the same people who rarely think they have achieved it! It is an exhausting pinnacle to reach for. It is a neverending battle and can suck the life out of your being. When one is absorbed in trying to reach perfection, they lose sight of what is around them…very much like those who spend their current life trying to figure out the past!
In Psychology courses they teach you about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and at the top of that pyramid is ‘self-actualization.’ Maslow himself said that mos people function on a level lower than that of self-actualization and that is it almost, if not impossible to reach. Like perfection, once you ‘think’ you have reached it, there will be something better, bigger, more efficient or grander that can be achieved. And therin lies the fact that perfection may be an illusion that is realized but only for a split second. Then it is no longer perfect.
Perfectionsists will not be satisfied to step back and say, aha! it is perfect – all I have done is perfect. Because they are perfectonists, they will find something that can be better. It is a viscious cycle and again, an illusion that cannot be realized.
To think that we could achieve perfection would be to think of ourselves on the same plane as God. Now there is a huge mistake indeed. No only does he not want that from us, he does not expect it! If one wants to think of perfection, then perhaps the perfection lies in the fact that we understand that we can always do better, always strive for ‘excellence’ and are willing to be less than perfect in the eyes of God. Perhaps ‘perfection’ lies in our willingness to not be perfect and to know that the architecture of our lives knows what is best for us. He would not ask us to be perfect and something in my mind tells me that even God does not see Himself as that. He would not ask us to be anything he is not. He can ‘make us’ perfect when we come to the end of our not-so-perfect lives and meet Him in Heaven. We do not have the ability to do that for ourselves on this earth nor should we think we can.
I look around this world and my life and all I see are imperfections. I find the most beauty and the best challenges in those imperfections because it means there is always work to be done, always excellence to strive for. Do not confuse imperfection for being flawed. If one looks at imperfection as being unique and one of a kind, then one can appreciate the value, beauty and treasure of not being so perfect! It is far too exhausting! If all were perfectionists in this world, which we cannot be, we would be a world of robots. No heart, no soul. I for one will continue to strive to be the best self I can in the eyes of God. That means living with all my imperfections which are my personal unique qualities.
I could continue but will leave it at this. Thank you again Alan for your posts. Always gives me a chance to massage my brain power…part of that striving to be better. ;o)
Thank you so very much Shein for your consistently excellent comments to this blog. I appreciate it and you so very much. Yes – excellence ought to be our moment by moment objective – progress and not perfection! “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence therefore is not an act, but a habit” – Aristotle
Me again…just a humerous side note. My passion for as long as I can recall is writing. I have been an editor of many ilks over the years. I see in reading the reply above that I have a few typing errors. However my point is still clearly made so the fact that it was not PERFECT did not matter. Perhaps to some who may read it and squirm, but not to me.
) Point made. Point taken.
Thank you again Alan!